Mephistopholis ([info]mephistopholis) wrote,
@ 2005-09-29 09:30:00
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Current mood: mellow
Current music:Death Cab for Cutie

Last Days

Getting older...turning one more revolution around Helios this Friday. Getting older. Getting lonlier. Getting angrier. Getting fatter. Getting smarter. Getting depressed. Getting lonely. Getting lonely, getting gone.

I need to do something this year. So...a list of things to do...

Get that ONE BOOK off to someone to publish...

Finish screenplay for Thomas...

Get married...

Finish degree...

Get out of the flat and experience life a little more...

Stop being scared.

Unchecked paranioa is fun for no one, especially for the person who has it. I hardly leave the flat anymore after THE EVENT, it's called "cocooning" by mental health proffessionals, others it's called agoraphobia.

I don't like people. They are rude, stupid, smelly creatures who do nothing but assault your personal life with theirs. I don't care who you are, or what your on about. I am not impressed. Piss off.

Yeah, I'm going crazy. Insanity and brilliance go hand in hand, and it's been insinuated on more than one occassion that I cannot have one without the other. Maybe I am crazy. Not "feed a Wisconson man into a woodchipper crazy", but there are times I cry more than I should. There are times I loose track of time with daydreams than I should. I remember, quite vivedly, more than I should. It helps to get drunk, it helps more to get stoned.

Some of the best minds of my generation were reduced to this; left crawling throught the detritus of their lives, living out their years in opressive solitude screaming at the dying of the light.

I dont know if I'm like that...but I seem strangely comfortable with it.

I'm not sure medication is the answer, but I know that self medicating certainly isnt.


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[info]bytchcraft
2005-09-29 10:10 pm UTC (link)
I do the very same, in reference to the mental health issue. I too question my own sanity, yet I work in a psych ward. I don't leave my house unless I HAVE to. There's also the self medicating with marijuana and alcohol. Feels good for a while, but the emotions flood back. Fuck prescription meds. They don't do a thing. All that happens is that you feel sad, but can't cry. Which is even more frustrating than just letting yourself feel. Often I feel trapped inside my own mind. Well...All the time really. Crying is something I do on a daily basis without anything provoking the sadden feelings. Don't mean to keep talking about myself but this just struck a nerve. It's kind of relieving to know someone else feels similar. I recently read a book called "Undoing Depression" By Dr. Richard O'Connor. It was really insightful. It's not meant to cure you, but to help you deal with trying to recover.

I hope you feel better.

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[info]andresimsorry
2005-10-18 12:05 pm UTC (link)
I may not have the right to respond in your journal considering we don't even really know eachother anymore (if we ever did is a mystery to me) but I'm not laughing at your situation. It sounds like you are very unhappy, I've been suffering with agoraphobia for a little while too and I hate it, it destroys me. I guess I'm writting you this to tell you that regardless of all the shit I still love you and want you to know that someone really does and is concerned for you. Even if we never speak. I think of you from time to time and that's something I can never change, okay? I love you. Be well and don't let the demons win.

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Not me, I (heart) agoraphobia!
[info]nullification
2006-10-02 03:54 pm UTC (link)
Agoraphobia provides a rock solid platform from which to view life. As solid as the emotions you feel. It makes for interesting.. in your case.. misanthropic thoughts, which.. makes for good reading.

Keep the agoraphobia yo! Just never turn toward the benzodiazepines. Or for that matter, other barbituates.

I find the key to managing the symptoms of my agoraphobia is distancing myself from.. well... myself. Untying myself from the ego which Western Society demands you become so attached to. (Yes, I'll refuse to shoulder this responsibility.)

This is easier said than done, but I believe it's most natural. With unaffected evaluation of other's opinions/actions comes a peace that doesn't allow room for paranoia to take root. But in order to do this, I have to come to terms with myself, lies aside. Humility takes no prisoners, false pride included.

My goal is to acknowledge all as-is, not tying emotional value to an ever-changing reflection of self. To change concern into awareness. So, Agoraphobia, I dig. It's a teacher of lessons many medicate themselves out of learning. Nothing is free, and in the biggest way, it's all quite fair.

All else fails.. move to Japan. Though I'll alienate many by saying this; to a deeper soul, everything there makes more sense. ;-)

-Rob

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